I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
