Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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