just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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