For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
