im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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