I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
