i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
