Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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