Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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