he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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