Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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