dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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