I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
