so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
