My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
