Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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