I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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