apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
