WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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