Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
