I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
