It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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