I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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