just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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