alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
