I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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