It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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