For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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