I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize