I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
They have beer where we have blood.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize