Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im six kinds of drunk right now
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
