it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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