Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
