At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
high people should be assigned attendants
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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