I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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