you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize