My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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