Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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