I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
