He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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