my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
