yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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