I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
