It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
