do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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