we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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