i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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