Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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