Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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