True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
