4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
