At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
