now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
