I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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