I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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