I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
