There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well you can't waste a boner
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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