someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He felt like a one man threesome
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
